Update on Mom and Dad 3

After you read "Update on Faith and Makaila 2", you will already have an idea of how we are doing. In addition to a day of new challenges faced by Faith and Makaila, neither Karyn nor I had a good sleep Saturday night. In fact, I am not sure if I slept much at all. Though I went to bed sometime after midnight, deep sleep was hard to find. I found myself to be very restless, with visions of tubes and wires and incubators filling my thoughts and dreams. Several times I almost got up to phone the NICU to get a live update on how the girls were doing, but somehow never mustered the gumption to get out of bed. Karyn was too hot last night to sleep well, and had to get up to eat on one occasion and to pump breast milk on another. I got up early with Isaiah (7:30am) and tried to keep up with him until 10:30 when Karyn got up. I went back to bed and crashed for 2 hours of the deepest sleep I'd had in the previous 24 hours.

We spent the better part of the afternoon and early evening in the NICU with the girls and brought in a few guests who came to visit and meet Faith and Makaila. The entire time was particularly emotional for Karyn, and was especially difficult when Makaila crashed (for an explanation of what "crashed" means, see the previous blog entry). It is very difficult to see your very vulnerable infant go through significant physical distress. When they decided that it was time to take her off of CPAP and put her back on the respirator, we decided it was time to go. We stayed long enough to see Makaila's little face free of the cumbersome nose tubes and tape for the first time since her birth. I took a few pictures and then Karyn's brother, Daryl, took us out to Red Robins for dinner (thanks Daryl!), which was a welcome distraction by this time.

Isaiah spent the afternoon and evening with my parents (Terry and Larry) and we met them back at Bob and Sally's apartment after dinner. After Isaiah went to bed, Karyn and I decompressed with my parents for while. The reality of not taking our little girls home has hit Karyn hard. Especially considering it won't be until after February 12th (their original due date) that we will even be able to think about bringing them home. This is especially daunting after difficult days like today. In a particularly emotional and vulnerable moment Karyn expressed in words what was running through her mind, and I don't think she was exaggerating or out of line by saying them: "Living through three and a half more months seems like it will be hell." We are only 6 days into a 105 day journey (at least)...99 more to go.

At times, especially tonight, this is a sobering and discouraging fact. Being honest and expressing how we feel to each other and our family and friends with whatever emotions come with these feelings, has been crucial and life giving during these early parts of this journey. The unconditional love we have received from each other, our families, and friends has been healing and encouraging. Writing this blog is also very therapeutic for me, and your encouraging "comments" have been tangible and much needed blessings for both Karyn and I. We deeply appreciate your love, kindness, grace, encouragement, and prayers.

Blessings,

Graham